I’d spent my entire summer vacation trying to prepare for the new teaching job. I sat at the computer for so many hours that I stressed neck vertebrae and developed chronic shoulder pain. I neglected chores: dust bunnies and dog fur piled in corners and painting projects didn’t get done. Except for 8 lovely days at the beach (and I took my work there, too), I abandoned my watercolor hobby. I definitely didn’t write much. And in spite of the time I sacrificed to get ready, I wasn’t.
For many months I failed, thoroughly and repeatedly, to meet expectations. I wrestled with goals and scheduling; I was overwhelmed by technology. I was confused when special events canceled my classes. This was much harder than I’d anticipated, and I was tired of trying. Whatever had possessed me to think I could do this? I was a septuagenarian joke. Stumbling and fumbling are what I’d feared, and they were what I got.
And then something happened. Out of failure and humiliation, I made a not-so-novel discovery: I could trust God and still fall short— fall short according to human standards. I’d been using the wrong yardstick. . .
According to God’s economy, falling short is not equivalent to failure. Stumbling is not the same as falling. After all, some degree of failure is guaranteed in this life. Hindered by our limited understanding and abilities, we are bound to make mistakes— in my case, lots of them! But, if we measure ourselves by our mistakes, we become travelers on a desolate, colorless, unforgiving landscape, which leads nowhere. God measures us, not by our failures, but by our faithfulness. When we realize this, the scenery changes; hope and creativity are restored and we have the energy to keep going in the direction He leads.
God’s ways are definitely not my ways. I can’t see the end from the beginning, and I don’t know exactly how I’m going to pull this off. What I have learned through all this is that trusting Him is crucial.
Getting old definitely “ain’t for sissies.” It’s hard work. But faith, surprisingly, enables us to keep going. In some mysterious way, it keeps us young, in spite of arthritis and forgetfulness and failure. And that is a promise:
“The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord upholds them by the hand.” Psalm 37:23-24.
