Loss

For months, every morning when my friend and I traveled to the Y, we’d see him on the telephone wires. At first, he and a sibling sat there together above the soybean fields waiting patiently for mice to make sudden moves. After a while, there was only one hawk, the other, presumably, left to find a field of his own. Our hawk became such a landscape fixture that I named him Gerald, for no reason in particular. He could, of […]

The last thing I wanted to write about on the anniversary of my husband’s death was the subject of “envy.” Thinking about it took me back, and I didn’t want to go back. I lived through it once and learned from it once; now I wanted to leave it. More than that, I wanted to escape from those memories — leave them on one side of a chasm and leap to freedom on the other. However, in this life there is no

Outside my window, a tree is blooming. The flowers appeared suddenly, but the process began during the cold, dark days when the tree looked dead. Programmed to respond to an almost imperceptible increase in daylight, the tree’s “on switch” was flipped before change was visible. The same thing happens to us when we respond to light during periods of darkness. My husband was diagnosed with cancer in 2011 and died a year later. After 34 years together, my fellow traveler

Has it really been four years since Jon died? It feels—not like yesterday—but like half an hour ago. There he is pulling Cessna six niner eight zero x-ray out of the West Point hangar, sitting at the soundboard with headphones on, tossing haybales up to the barn loft, riding the John Deere, playing fetch with his Labs, studying I Peter, singing at the piano. . . I can still see his eyes crinkle when he laughs, feel his rib-cracking, flannel-shirted bear hug,

I just took a road trip up and down the highways of West Virginia, and I didn’t mind paying the toll because the autumn color was fantastic .  As the trip progressed and the sun descended, the colors got  deeper and richer, and the leaves glowed like they were lit up from the inside.  A landscape that compelling  made me want to keep on looking;  stopping to blink was sacrilege.  But  I had to stop looking.  There were signs that warned

She was tiny and unobtrusive, a dainty, quiet cat.  She first appeared as a minute skin and bones, tail-less kitten, huddled in the road, too weak to budge.  My son, Josh, rescued her, telling me excitedly that he’d found a manx.  Not exactly- more like a fan belt cat.  For three weeks, the starved, pitiful bundle of dull fur spent most of her waking hours on my shoulder.  My husband, not exactly a cat lover, suggested rather forcefully that we

On January 31, 2012,  Jon Shehane drew his last earthly breath.  His heart stopped;  his cancer surrendered-  its ravenous appetite having been the instrument of its demise.  The difficult labor ended,  and he was delivered from chemotherapy, radiation, and pain meds.  I wish I could have seen his spirit escape its broken shell.  It occurs to me now that I should have smiled and waved goodbye, but I didn’t think of that then.  I did know he was headed for a

A friend of mine told me I was too old to have a dog.  Although there are days, like today, when I almost agree with her, this morning’s misadventure began with my cats.  Boss and Charger are affectionate, dignified creatures, but they don’t like to be sequestered in the bedroom.  Charger, in particular, resists this procedure.  And so, when I  reached  down to capture his fat butt,  he scooted between my legs and I tripped, fell, and swore.  No bones

When a loved one dies, the world is quick to respond with well-intentioned, comfortless remarks.  Just last week, the piano tuner assured me that Jon’s spirit was still in the house watching over us.  Besides being a downright creepy idea, I think that would be kind of a bummer for Jon, who expected to see Jesus, but got to watch me vacuum and do laundry instead.  And what about those movies where the bereaved is told that the loved one

When Jon and I were dating, and attending graduate school at Auburn, we used to take weekend trips home.  Whether we went south to Clio, or northwest to Birmingham, one thing remained constant.  Jon  sang along the way.  Left elbow out the window, brown hair blowing in the breeze, he belted it out.  Sometimes I would try to join him, but the result didn’t satisfy me.  Better to listen. He didn’t much care what he sang.  He sang “There’s a

Sometimes I feel dry as dust, as empty as an abandoned house.  Inspiration is far from me – even though I pray  for ideas – they just don’t come.  Hollow, useless, and lonely,  I want some kind of epiphany that will transform and refresh me.  But….”I got plenty o nuttin’”.  Only in my case, unlike the fictitious Porgy’s, it “ain’t plenty for me”. Life is a collage of experiences that we race through to reach “better” and “more significant ones”. 

There are times in life when it seems as if the most sensible thing I can do is to run screaming into the wilderness and keep running  until a bear catches and eviscerates me.  No- wait.  Let me try again.  There are times in life when it seems like  the most sensible thing to do is to run screaming off a cliff into the ocean.  Hold on.  What if there are sharks below, and the fall hasn’t killed me?  What